Five Terrible Places to Get It On in Star Labs
by mosylu
Summary: (and one that might actually work out). Westallen, Killervibe, and Wally being the only one with any sense around here.


"So, wait," Wally said, taking a bite of his apple. "Explain to me why none of you can look each other in the eye right now?"

"Well - it - "

"They kind of - "

"If we could just work out a system - "

Wally held up his hand. "Whoa. How about one at a time?"

They fell silent.

Barry sighed. "The thing is, we're all kind of in the honeymoon stage." Iris nodded.

"You two have been in the honeymoon stage for a year," Caitlin said. "I think at this point, we need to discuss the possibility of speedster priapism."

"Pria-wha?"

"We do not," Iris said firmly. "That's not a problem."

Cisco was typing something into his phone. He read the results, and his brows shot up. He looked at Barry and said, "Dude," in a voice that was equal parts sympathetic and impressed.

Barry leaned over to look at Cisco's screen, and promptly turned beet-red. Wally looked too, and turned horrified eyes on Barry, who said in a high voice, _"Not a problem!_ "

"Maybe a hormone imbalance," Caitlin pondered.

"Stop trying to distract us. What's your excuse?" Iris asked her.

Caitlin looked mildly offended. "I'm sorry, have you _seen_ my boyfriend?"

"It's true," Cisco said, raising his hand. "I'm hot."

"Also, he vibrates."

"So does mine," Iris muttered.

"Please," Wally whispered. "Stop there."

"Anyway," Barry said. "We just seem to catch each other. Like, a lot."

* * *

 **The Showers**

When Harrison Wells/Eobard Thawne had built Star Labs, he'd included a lot of amenities to tempt the best and brightest to work for him. Like a gym. And showers. Most of the showers had been cannibalized for parts by now, but Cisco had made sure to leave a few of them operational.

"No, no, no," Barry said, both hands clamped over his eyes. "I'm okay. I really didn't need a shower after dealing with the mud monster. You two carry on."

Cisco leaned out to get his pants. "You couldn't have taken the long way home?"

"What, via _Zimbabwe_?"

* * *

 **The Pipeline**

"Dude," Cisco said.

"I know," Barry mumbled.

"There are cameras."

"Probably should have turned those off, now that you mention it."

"That's _so much more_ than I ever wanted to see of your lily-white ass."

"Hey."

"I'm just sayin'. That thing's like a spotlight. Maybe consider spray tan."

* * *

 **The Kitchen**

"That cannot be sanitary," Caitlin yelled from the hallway outside the kitchen. "I'm never cooking in there again."

"You cook in here?" Iris said, pulling her shirt down.

"You cook?" Barry asked.

"I'm glaring at you!" she informed him. "I'm glaring at you _hard._ "

Cisco's voice came over the intercoms - "Hey, dude, get up here and see this!"

Gratefully, Barry zipped away, and Caitlin came in with her hair all windblown and her hand over her eyes. "Are you decent?"

"More or less," Iris said, and Caitlin dropped her hand. "Sorry," Iris said bashfully. "I'll clean the counter."

"It's all right," Caitlin sighed, pulling a microwave dinner out of the freezer and peeling off the plastic. "I don't think there was any skin contact except your hands, yet."

"Actually it's probably just as well," Iris said, stretching out her leg. "I was starting to get a charley horse. That position really doesn't work very well unless you're much closer in height."

Caitlin's eyes slid her way. "Oh really."

Iris grinned. "Just, you know. Mentioning it. For science."

* * *

 **The Janitor's Closet**

"Iris?"

"Cisco?!"

"I was supposed to meet Caitlin in here."

"I was supposed to meet Barry in here!"

"Well, _this_ is embarrassing."

* * *

 **The Cortex**

 _"Really?"_

* * *

 **The Spare Offices**

"… so we keep interrupting each other, mid-you-know, and I've honestly seen more - "

Wally held up a hand. "For the sake of my mental health, please. Don't elaborate." He took another bite of apple. "Why don't you guys just use some of the offices around here?" he said through his mouthful. "There's like a zillion of them. Five floors' worth. Just, you know, each couple pick one for yourselves and never go near the other one. Ever."

"Well, I suppose," Caitlin said doubtfully, "but they're kind of institutional. Grey carpet, steel desks, and I don't think the HVAC has gone above the second floor in two years."

"Three," Cisco confirmed.

"Yeah," Wally said, munching away. "But furniture can be moved, and you can buy fans and space heaters. My point is, they do have one big advantage over every other location in this whole entire building."

"What's that?"

Wally chomped the last bite and tossed the core across the cortex. It bounced off the edge of the trash can, and he zipped over and caught it before it hit the floor, depositing it in the can and then zipping back to his spot at the work station.

"Wally," Iris prompted.

"Oh, yeah." Looking around, he told them, "Locks."

FINIS


End file.
